This morning I was sitting in church when I had this thought, "I can either sit here in this room filled with hundreds of people letting them believe that I have it all together or I can share my story." I decided I had to start sharing because I can't keep quiet any longer what God has done in my life and in my family. I just have to start writing.
Because how will people know what God has done, if I don't tell them?
For the past year and a half I have been living and parenting with depression, a deep, dark, disgusting depression. Most days were a struggle for me to even get out of bed, but I had 4 children waiting for their mommy to meet their needs and care for them. How do you parent when battling a fight that takes all that you are and then some? Not very well. I cried everyday, I made bad choices, I yelled, I slept, and I ran away.
I was ready to give up. I had come to the bottom of it and then some. I couldn't live like this anymore. Last Friday night, I admitted to my husband that I was done fighting and was going to go back on medicine. The medicine that would numb me and disconnect me where I wouldn't have to feel this struggle anymore. As soon as those words left my mouth I had a panic attack, or what I believe was a spiritual attack. As I lay there getting beat up in this attack, my husband was on his knees and face praying for me, he read Psalms 139 aloud over and over again, and covered me in peace and calming oil. I didn't think there was any fight left in me, but I gritted my teeth and I told satan, "leave me the f alone." Guys, I don't cuss, but if there was ever a time that that word was appropriate it was then. I told him again and again to leave me alone, that he couldn't have me. I belong to Jesus. My eyes got heavy, my heart rate slowed and I fell asleep. The fight was over...
I was set free and healed! All praise to God!
I plan on sharing stories, thoughts, and experiences from these past couple years with you on my blog in hopes that if you are battling with this awful illness you can hear me say, "ME TOO! But GOD...!" I hope you will join me and find encouragement. Or if you have a family member or friend that is going through depression and you are having trouble understanding what they are going through and what to say to them, I hope you will follow along and find encouragement, wisdom, and a listening ear.
My Jesus story isn't just about the day that I said yes to God almost 12 years ago, it also involves yesterday, today, and tomorrow. My Jesus is moving in me and now I hope through me too. I feel I have to write all of this and share it because today in church during one of the songs it said, "I will follow" and I didn't feel like I could honestly say that until I hit publish. Jesus has been wanting me to share his Good News and today I am saying I will follow. I will do it.
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