I FALL 4 THEM

Let's Celebrate Together

"To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away." Matthew 25:14-30

Those who do nothing...

But the third servant says, "I was afraid!" 

Oh how many times I am just like that servant. The servant who hid what he was entrusted with, because of fear. 

He hid and did nothing. - I am so guilty of this. I hide behind the walls that I have built around my heart because I think I'm at least safe there.

The third servant was called lazy and useless, and he was thrown out. Making him not a servant at all. 

Because of FEAR. Fear can have so much power over us if we let it. And I do, on the daily, live in fear and with fear. 

I do not want to be useless to my Master. I long to hear the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant... Let's celebrate together!" 

So instead of being thrown out for being useless because I have stayed in hiding. I am going to get to work and invest what I have been entrusted with. For awhile I'm going to do it scared, but I'm going to do it anyway. Make me, Brave. 

You Thrill Me

Today I dug through some boxes in our garage until I found my brand new, never used Bible. I brought it inside and flipped through the pages. I sat it down next to my Bible, my worn in Bible that has been with me everyday this past year. Last year they were identical when they were shipped to me, bearing the same box, cover, and pages, but a lot has changed for these two Bibles. And a lot has changed for me. I haven't let my Bible out of my sight. It holds my deepest thoughts, my prayers and the daily cries of my heart. It has highlights, notes, and tears spread throughout it's pages. This past year when I was surrounded by darkness, it held my Light and my Hope. 

But now there is so much Light around me and in me that I no longer live in a world of darkness. My grief has turned to joy. My tears have turned to praise. There is new life, and I am a new creation. I am alive. 

I brought in my Bible, because I have been contemplating changing to my new one. The one with the blank margins ready to be filled with songs of praise and brightness. I didn't think there was room for the yellows and oranges amongst all of the grey and black. I needed a fresh, clean slate. Or so I thought...

Just like this life and body of mine, I can not pretend that I never traveled through sorrow and darkness. I can not hide away the wounds that are now a part of me. I fell down. I skinned my knees. I have scars.

BUT... I got back up. 

And I can look at my scars as signs that I once was defeated, or I can see them as battle scars, as victory.

I fought and I won. 

And now it is time to grow strong.

I will not pretend to have never been through the battle, only presenting the good, clean things of my life. I will not carry a new, shiny Bible filled with only the "pretty things." I will wear my scars proudly. Because the Lord thrills me with all that He has done for me! I will sing even louder with joy because of what He has done! 

"You thrill me, Lord, with all you have done for me! I sing for joy because of what you have done. O Lord, what great works you do! And how deep are your thoughts." Psalms 92:4-5

There is victory in Jesus no matter what war wages on your soul. There is friends. Do not give up hope, hold onto whatever strand might be holding you together. Some days it might feel like there isn't even enough there that you will even survive. But hear me, "There is victory!!" I promise. He promises! I have been through the fight. The scars are not pretty.  But now they are my battle cry. They are my story. Let victory be your story, too.  

OK, I Can Do That

So the Lord has been pointing me towards and telling me to tell my story, His story, through blogging for the past couple of years. I have been running from this and hiding for years. Constantly struggling with it. I have been paralyzed through fear, anxiety, and depression. I have been swallowed up by my giant fish. And today, once again I felt God telling me to get to work, use my voice, and just start telling my story. 

So I said, "OK. I can do that." 

I am ready. He has spit me out onto dry land, and I am finding my footing now. 

Here I am, God. Use me. Whatever way you see fit. I don't have to understand everything about your reasons before I move and work; I'm just going to try to keep showing up. And along the way I hope you grow me, stretch me, guide me, and use me. 

I don't want to run and hide from You any longer. 

Use my weaknesses and work in them to show your strength, your goodness, and your faithfulness. 

Take My Life Back

When you realize life doesn't have to be lived this way. When you say enough and you put up your fists ready to fight. 

That's me. That's my husband. We put on our boxing gloves and we are ready to fight, again.

Not with each other, but with this awful, irritating depression and anxiety that tries to overtake me. 

A few months ago, God healed me from a season of deep, major depression. And as the honeymoon period of that slipped away and the murkiness came back to settle on top of my days. I thought this was just the way life was. The way it had to be. 

I was no longer so depressed that I was thinking self-hurting physical thoughts. But thoughts still plague my mind. Thoughts that keep me isolated, anxious, and alone. Rest that is never found. Not just the whole I have 4 kids, I'm tired, but a rest that is never obtained. Joy is always right out of reach. Teasing me as a thing I now know exists but is unreachable. I have tried to grab it, lunging every which way. I started my shopping obsession again. (Hello Target, how I have missed you.) I started treating each day like it was Saturday and as a family we would go, go, go to experience life again in the big, exciting ways. And it is fun. I am smiling. 

But then there are the days that I am just at home. At home with my four kids and my house, both that need me. I am able to get out of bed for the day now, but without energy. I am constantly tired. I am tired at 10 am, 2 pm, 5 pm, and 8 pm, and yet at 10 pm I am unable to go to sleep - the thoughts flood my mind once again. I am on an unending cycle, one that I so desperately want to get off of. (Think the tea cup ride at an amusement park- that has been my life. I want off.) 

Yesterday I journaled, "Take my life back."