Take My Life Back

When you realize life doesn't have to be lived this way. When you say enough and you put up your fists ready to fight. 

That's me. That's my husband. We put on our boxing gloves and we are ready to fight, again.

Not with each other, but with this awful, irritating depression and anxiety that tries to overtake me. 

A few months ago, God healed me from a season of deep, major depression. And as the honeymoon period of that slipped away and the murkiness came back to settle on top of my days. I thought this was just the way life was. The way it had to be. 

I was no longer so depressed that I was thinking self-hurting physical thoughts. But thoughts still plague my mind. Thoughts that keep me isolated, anxious, and alone. Rest that is never found. Not just the whole I have 4 kids, I'm tired, but a rest that is never obtained. Joy is always right out of reach. Teasing me as a thing I now know exists but is unreachable. I have tried to grab it, lunging every which way. I started my shopping obsession again. (Hello Target, how I have missed you.) I started treating each day like it was Saturday and as a family we would go, go, go to experience life again in the big, exciting ways. And it is fun. I am smiling. 

But then there are the days that I am just at home. At home with my four kids and my house, both that need me. I am able to get out of bed for the day now, but without energy. I am constantly tired. I am tired at 10 am, 2 pm, 5 pm, and 8 pm, and yet at 10 pm I am unable to go to sleep - the thoughts flood my mind once again. I am on an unending cycle, one that I so desperately want to get off of. (Think the tea cup ride at an amusement park- that has been my life. I want off.) 

Yesterday I journaled, "Take my life back."