Today I sat and watched as my kids played and read books when a little boy caught my eye. I couldn't help but look at him and watch him play. He was a little chubby guy and around 18 months old - my favorite age - when they're not quite kids but no longer babies.
And my mind started drifting... 18 months old would've been how old our Banner would have been. I watched this little boy play and looked at his features and I started wondering what our Banner would have been like. Would our Banner have been a ball loving boy with curly hair or a sweet little girl with pig tails? Would our Banner have been a momma's boy or an ornery toot - maybe a little bit of both? Oh and how his big sisters would have adored him and his little brother would have looked up to him and had a best buddy to do life with and share a room with and talk Super Heros. If only...
I couldn't help but think WHAT IF our Banner was here with us instead of in Heaven? What If I would have never had to experience that awful, painful miscarriage? What if we got to be a family of 6 here on Earth instead of missing our little baby? What would it have been like? Who would he have been? What would Banner of grown up to be like? What are we missing? Who are we missing?
But I don't think we can think about the WHAT IFs and WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEENs in life.
We can't ask ourselves these questions... What if I do this and I get hurt? So I better not. What would it be like if I would have never moved? What if I let my child do this and they make the wrong choice? What might have been if things were different or this never happened.... What if....
We are not promised tomorrow. We only have today. God has our days numbered and our time on this Earth is temporary. Mortality is 100%. We must live each day like it's our first, our last and our only. We must live and love with a love that is fierce and intentional. We must not fear or be afraid. We can not spend our time worrying about tomorrow or regretting yesterday. We only have today.
What did I learn from my Banner who I never met? I learned that children are a blessing from God, a true gift from Him. I value my children even more now, knowing that they are God's children and are only on loan to me to do my best to raise them to love their Heavenly Father and love others. I learned that a newborn's first moment should be spent on a mommy's chest. I learned that there isn't much better than sleepy snuggles from an infant. I was able to teach my girls about Heaven and Jesus. They know their Banner lives with Jesus and that someday we will meet him. The girls learned how to pray for those that they love. We know it's ok to cry with life hurts. We know loss, but also know that a family sticks together through it all. We know that God is the one who hears our cries and comforts our hearts. We know that we are missing one. I learned compassion and sympathy for others that are hurting. I learned that I am not alone. I learned how to lean on God and that he is my only hope. I learned that with him all things are possible and that I can not depend on my own strength. I learned no matter how hard or scary life gets that I can, no I have to, trust in The Lord. I learned how precious this life is. I learned to say, "The Lord gives and The Lord takes away, blessed be the name of The Lord." Always.
I learned that I can not ask the what might have been questions and that the what ifs can't change anything.
I learned to live intentionally and what really matters to me in this life.
my Faith, my Family, and loving others
We know that Banner is a blessing in our lives. Not for who he might have been, but for who he is. Our baby that will forever live with Jesus.
Thank you my sweet Banner for the reminder today to love fiercely those around me and be intentional daily.
mommy loves you.