Mar 5, 2015

Clean Slate

I just want to write. I don't know when I found a love for writing, but I think I have always written. I don't write eloquently and I am not overly funny with my stories. But what I have always tried to write is the truth, the honest, open, realness of my life. I have always been proud of the fact that, "I am real."

And I am... when I actually say something. But it's easier for me to just keep quiet.

The past couple years I have found that in my life and in my writing I have grown more and more private. I have started closing up and only putting forth parts of me. I have been afraid of who will read my words in judgment or use what I say against me.

When I was teenager I had a journal that I filled with my deepest darkest secrets. And it was found and read. I was hurt by that and sometimes my insecurities come back out in my writing that make me close up again. I begin asking myself why I share what I share. Why would I want to put my thoughts and what's going on in my life out there for whoever to read? Isn't blogging just like leaving your journal in a public library for anyone to check out and read? The past 2 years I let my previous blog become inconsistent and more fluff filled. Instead, I have filled journal after journal keeping my thoughts to myself, and I even deactivated my Facebook account so I could be more selective who really got to know me.

So why a new blog? Last week my husband said, "we should start a blog together." Um... YES!! I loved the idea and was so anxious to get started. I wanted a clean slate. I NEEDED a clean slate. I felt a weight lift and a freedom to write come over me. I could breakaway from the fear I had been carrying and get back to me. Sharing again. I am still scared, but I am free.

I have the desire to share my life to bring glory to God. I want to write about the ins and outs of my life and my family's life. I LOVE reading other blogs. I read them daily. I appreciate all those brave souls who day after day ignore their fears and insecurities and share. They open up and share the good, the bad, and the ugly. I love when I am about to encounter something new that I am clueless about and scared out of my mind that I know I can go to Pinterest or Instagram and search for the topic and I will be able to find a blog that is speaking just what I need to hear. If no one writes those things how can we help, inspire, and share our experiences for others to learn and grow from?

When I went through my miscarriage in 2012, I was able to more gracefully handle it and know what to expect - the physical side, emotional side, and the spiritual side of it because brave women have shared their stories. And talk about a hard, heartbreaking truth to share. But so many of their words helped heal my hurts and wounds. I will always be grateful for those brave women who helped me - most I didn't even know. I want to be one of those brave souls.

My husband and I are about to begin a new journey in life and talk about clueless! But Instagram has led us to some amazing families who are going through the same journey that we are just stepping into. I search a hashtag, find an account, and then go to their blog. Oh, the openness is so refreshing.

So when my husband said, "let's start a blog together." I was ready. I'm sad to leave MyDoodleSpot that I have had for 7 years, but I'm more excited than sad. It was good to me. It allowed me to have a place to tell story after story about my family's life. It's a record, scrapbook, photo album all in one. I started it my first year in marriage and have grown through it as a newlywed, a new mom, a working mom, a stay at home mom, and somedays I choose to believe a super mom.

But I am ready for this clean slate. A new scrapbook. This past year God has done some neat stuff in our family and the direction He has us walking is fun, exciting and terrifying. And I am thankful to get to be one of the people out there throwing insecurity and fear out the door and sharing the ups and downs. All in hopes that our story points up to Jesus. That's really the point of it all. My life is short, here today gone tomorrow. And I want all my days to count for the One that really matters.

It's time to take risks and leave safety behind!

So this is my Moleskin. I'm letting God decide who hears my voice. But I'm choosing to be light in this dark world.

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