A few nights ago I was reading a book and it told me to ask my spouse if he could choose one thing to change about me what would it be. I asked my husband expecting to hear something along the lines of cooking more often. Or who am I kidding. Start cooking at all. Or the other option I thought it would be was for me to lose all this extra fat and really take care of my body.
But his response surprised me and led to some late night soul searching.
His #1 thing, without hesitation, was that I would have confidence in myself. That I would believe in myself.
My late night soul searching and the following days have not led to any answers or how to "fix it," but instead to a hundred different questions.
Why don't I believe in me?
What are my insecurities keeping me from?
Do I believe I am who God thinks I am, what others think, or what I think?
What talents has God given me that I am wasting?
Who does God want me to be?
Who do I want to be?
- What would I look like if I was confident?
- Am I free to be myself?
What don't I believe I can do?
Why do I feel so misunderstood?
Am I good at anything?
Why do I struggle so deeply with the big ugly word INSECURITY?
My life is filled with insecurities, not confidence. And what my husband wants from me I don't know if I can deliver. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.
A big question I have been asking myself is, "How do insecurities effect my relationship with God, my spouse, my family and friends?" I am in prayer about how to change. How to believe.
I struggle with worth. There are too many times in my life where I have said and believed I AM WORTHLESS. I am not good enough.
But God says differently. He sent his son to die for me. And sometimes I struggle to believe that. Jesus gave his life for mine. And when I say ya, for the millions of others but surely I alone wasn't worth it. Then I'm not believing him and I am calling God a liar.
Just 2 days after this conversation with my husband I heard a sermon that truly touched me and which I am grateful for. And the following are some of my thoughts and take aways from it.
Performance doesn't matter in our relationship with Christ. If I measure my value by performance I am held in bondage.
I think I measure my worth, my value in what I think others think about me. Because sadly, many times other's love for us is determined by our performance to them.
Are we a good friend? Were we there for them when they needed help? Were we giving of our time? Did we say nice things? Did we remember their birthday?
And when we mess up we are told we are a bad friend. And sometimes that results in no longer being worthy of the relationship. So we promise to work harder. We set our standards higher. We vow to not mess up. We will be perfect.
But we can not aim to be a people pleaser or we will fail time after time. It's not how well I perform, but how well he performed on the cross. And while I do not deserve it. He told me I am worthy by dying for ME.
We are not made right by trying. (Galatians 3:11)
And I try. I try to be a better wife. A better mom. A better pastor's wife. A better friend. A better daughter, sister, aunt. A better Christian. A better me.
I read book after book about "how to" and I think it's time I put down the how to books and focus more on the One book. The One book that isn't about me. It's not about how to be a better me so that I measure up. It's about the One who is above all others and loves us no matter what a mess we are.
Why am I trying to do what Jesus did on the cross for me?
I can not become right or perfect by my own effort.
No, we are made right by our faith in the One.
He started it. He loved me when I was a broken mess living in darkness. And he still loves me as I do my best to live in the light and be a light to others. But really I am still a broken mess. I am a mess who still needs a Savior because I am still a sinner. I have an ugly past that I am open about. But it's time to be real - I also have an ugly present.
But that does not make me worthless. No, instead it shouts of his greatness. It shows that my Savior is just that, the only One who can save me and he loves me even though I'm a sinner. He's the One who says I am enough.
When I believe in my insecurities of worthlessness I am choosing to believe the Liar not the One who only speaks Truth. So while I still struggle with insecurities. I don't have to accept that. I don't have to believe it. I am enough because the One who loves me says I am.
And it's time for me to say I believe YOU. Not just I believe in You. But Jesus I believe what you say about me. I believe You. I am enough.
What does Jesus say about me? His word tells me that I am a child of His, that He died for ME, that I am set free through Him, that He has given me gifts and talents. That I am his masterpiece. He has made beauty from ashes.
There are some things I need to change that keep my insecurities big and real, and I plan on doing that. But I think I took a really big first step. I am choosing to believe the truth instead of lies.
I will not believe that I am worthless. Because I am not. And neither are you. Jesus did a big, big thing on the cross. And he did it for me. And for you.
Jesus! I believe YOU. I believe YOU!
I don't share all of this to say, "Oh, poor me." But instead to shout out his goodness. And to encourage you if you are struggling with insecurities that you are not alone and you, like me, do not have to accept the lies any longer.