Anxiety sucks! Just flat out sucks.
I thought I was healed and "all better." Turns out, I'm not. Dang.
A couple months ago, God healed me from the depression that had been consuming me for the past two years. A light and joy had returned to my life and my soul. It's so so good to live in the light again.
But what have these thoughts been that are trying to overtake me and keep me from getting out of bed each morning. I'm not depressed anymore. I enjoy my life. Confused I would go ahead and get up out of bed not feeling joyful or rested, but as the day went on I was usually able to shake the feelings. But not today. I got out of bed this morning, much too early, after a restless sleep to take care of my 4 kids. This morning I needed my kids to half way entertain themselves so I could get the house cleaned near perfection because we had a showing in just 3 hours. (Our house is for sale and we are still living in it. It can be quite stressful to be ready to show it at anytime.)
As I started picking up, wiping down, and sweeping the "voices" inside my head would not shut up. I was ready to give up; I was defeated. I don't remember exactly what I text my husband, but I asked him for some encouragement. That amazing man of mine walked through the door 3 minutes later. The tears started pouring down my face and I melted into his arms. He always shows up. I was bawling and he was asking me what was wrong. I had no idea. I don't understand my ridiculous, irrational behavior. He took my hand and led me to our bed as we kneeled down beside it and he prayed to our Jesus for healing and peace.
He then told me to go for a drive and soak in this amazing weather. I apologized (again), but he sent me on my way demanding that I don't worry about the time. He would take care of it, of me.
I drove to the store and got some coffee and sat in the parking lot with my journal and Bible in hand. I poured out my thoughts into my journal as the Fall breeze blew into the car with the sun shining down on my face.
I never feel like I have a break from my mind. And as I sat there thinking about the person that I am and the way that I behave I realized my problem, my issue: anxiety.
Oh anxiety, how I hate you. I should be used to you. You've been a part of my life since I was a teenager. Sometimes stronger than others, but always there. And here you are again. Trying to overtake me. I am fed up of the constant fear and worry that consumes my everyday. Always jumping to the worst case scenario. The feelings of shame, loneliness, stress, and tension that are a constant companion. You play my insecurities over and over inside of my head. Rest runs from me and leaves me always feeling tired and overwhelmed. Fear is so great that there is never a moment that I feel at peace. And the panic attacks... those are the worst.
I can now see the full effect you have been having on my life. You keep me in hiding. Afraid to fully live.
How could I fix it? I'm a formula type fixer. And this problem of mine - anxiety - needs fixed. There had to be a 1, 2, 3 step solution.
What could I do to kick your butt to the curb? Maybe I could start running, I hear that that's a good stress reliever. I could ask others for prayer and they could intercede on my behalf. I could face my anxieties straight on and become a yes person and put myself in all the situations that make me anxious. Maybe I just need to shout at that stupid devil to FLEE! And of course use my essential oils. Maybe these were my answers.
I was feeling pretty good about finding the formula to fix me, when I opened up my Bible. I knew right where I wanted to turn (Philippians 4:6-7), but those weren't the verses that spoke to me. It was the next couple:
Philippians 4:8-9 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. FIX YOUR THOUGHTS ON WHAT IS TRUE, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise... Then the God of peace will be with you.
Fix my eyes on what is true. Fix my eyes on what is true. Fix my eyes on what is true.
I started saying that over and over. And something dawned on me - aka God was speaking to me through His Word -... Anxiety lies! Anxiety is a big fat liar. Lie after lie after lie. Anxiety tells me anything but the truth. Yet those thoughts consume me and I focus on them. But wait, what would happen if I FOCUS on the TRUTH instead of the lies? What would that do for me?
Focusing my mind on the Truth is my greatest weapon against anxiety, there is no formula needed. Just the Truth. Keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus. Focusing on all the great things He has done for me and is doing in me now.
So while anxiety continues to play a part in my life I have a feeling it won't be so loud from here on out. I'm covering myself and filling my mind with the Truth.
I came home a different person than when I left, a changed person. I left defeated and came home empowered and a fighter. Plus, I left with a messy house and came home to a hard working, loving, supportive husband who had fully cleaned the whole house and to four happy, healthy children playing outside.
I hope this encourages you, too. Whatever battle you are facing in your life: depression, anxiety, relationship issues, financial issues, insecurities, whatever it is! Open up the Word of God and fight, be comforted, and find truth. There is victory in Him!
