I could feel the tension mounting. I dove into Scripture preparing myself. Setting up a wall against my sinful nature that wanted to break out.
I read and prayed over verses in Proverbs... Proverbs 17:27, "A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered." and Proverbs 20:3, " Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor, only fools insist on quarreling."
I asked my husband to pray for me. I read 1 Corinthians 4:12 and 13, to be patient and gentle.
I failed. I sinned.
Sin won over in my anger.
When the battle began... I pushed. I yelled.
I'm angry at myself. I am not a good person. Immediately after the fight I asked for forgiveness from God. I knew I had sinned. Today I asked for forgiveness from the other person. They may not forgive me (yet), but I have to know that God does and has.
No matter how much we prepare ourselves, we can't be arrogant. Our sinful nature is strong, but I can rejoice because my Jesus is stronger.
Today I am humbled.
Today I know I am not perfect.
I am a sinner in desperate need of a Savior.
One who sees my ugly sin, forgives it, and washes it away.
So yes, I am a bad person, but I have a good, good Jesus living inside of me.
I have to forgive myself. I have to love myself after the sin.
Oh, Thank you God for your grace. That through my sin your grace can be seen.
No matter how many times we sin, God's forgiveness, love and grace is always there. It's never ending.
I've been beating myself up. How could I have not done the right thing? Errr, I knew better.
"Oh, what a miserable person I am!"
Then, I said that's enough. I opened up my Bible and turned to Romans. Yes, yes. Romans 7 was just what I was needing.
"There is another power within me that is at war with my mind."
"But if I do what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong, it is sin living in me that does it."
Satan, you may have won that battle, but my Jesus wins the war. VICTORY! I don't have to believe your lies that I am crazy, unworthy, and unloved.
You are good! You are good!
When there's nothing good in me!
Oh, I'm running to your arms.
I'm running to your arms.
The riches of your love
will always be enough!
(Forever Reign - Hillsong)
I hope if you are struggling with sin today that you can find encouragment through this. We do not have to be perfect. We can't be. The Law was given to us so that God's grace and glory can be seen. So while, I am sad that I sinned and do not want to live in sin. I also, am thankful that endurance is being built up in me, that my character has been strengthened and that Christ can still shine through me.
Relationships are hard. People are flawed. We are all sinners. But take heart, we are not fighting this war against other human beings. This is a spiritual battle going on all around us. But I know how it ends. I read the end of the Book. Jesus wins!!! (...and I'm on His team.)