Aug 5, 2014

I Want To Want To

Skinny vs Healthy
After reading my post about my Baby Weight Blues, my husband pointed out to me that I have just been focused on the getting skinny part - not thinking about the healthy side. (Side note: My husband loves me just the way I am and has never said anything negative about my size or weight.) I started thinking about this more and I could've went in and deleted the other post and rewrote it or I figured I would just follow up with more thoughts.
I mentioned in my previous post that my husband and I lost a bunch of weight a couple years ago. I lost 80 pounds and he lost 60 pounds. We were focused on getting skinny and we were getting it done! We dieted, limited what we ate and how much of it, and it felt like were willing to try whatever it took to lose the pounds.
However, even with losing 80 pounds I didn't once pick up a carrot stick or try a piece of cauliflower.
I didn't really care about getting healthy, I cared about being skinny. Sure there were the awesome side effects from losing all those pounds of feeling great and more energy. But my favorite one was the smaller clothes.
And it's kind of crazy to me when I look back now that as soon as we decided to try to conceive, we stopped exercising and started eating whatever and however much we wanted. My exact thought was, "well I'm going to get fat anyways." Well that is just not true. Pregnant people do not have to get fat. Sure, it is healthy and recommended to gain some weight and to eat more (nutritious food). But I ate more JUNK food, fast food, and sweets. I didn't gain the recommended amount of like 20 pounds, no I gained 60! Plus, I stopped exercising completely. I went from working out almost daily to nothing. Nothing for like 2 years. So of course I gained all the weight back.
I don't want to starve myself down to a healthy weight. I want to learn how to be healthy. I want to exercise for health and energy. I want to eat carrots, and cauliflower. These past few months I have learned that I LOVE CAULIFLOWER, sugar snap peas, carrots, celery, strawberries, bananas, grapes, and apples. Who would've ever thought?! These past few months I have been choosing those things over chips, cookies, etc. Up until about a month ago and then I let all my unhealthy habits come back full force! I haven't had a carrot in my fridge in over a month. I went to the grocery store last week and filled my cart with junk and sweets. Why?! Why did I let those bad habits come back? In this past month I have gained back 10 pounds that I had worked hard to lose. That's ridicilous. I'm done focusing on the skinny and giving up when I don't see results.
I don't want this to be about getting skinny. I don't. Because the truth is, Jonathan and I want more kids. We want a big family. And I can't let myself say, "Oh well, I'm just going to get fat anyways" any time we are thinking about having another baby. I can't let myself hang on to 30 extra pounds of baby weight each time.
My kids need me to take care of myself. I need me to take care of myself.
I want to start cooking healthy dinners for my family (not running to Taco Bell). I want to teach my kids how to cook. I want to have healthy snack options for us all to grab instead of cookies and chocolate. I want to start exercising again. (Well, I want to want to.) I think I'm going to do T25 and maybe start the Couch to 5K program again. I know once I get into it I will really start to enjoy it. I want my kids to see me make healthy choices and learn how to make healthy choices for themselves.

I want to want to. I want the desire of health to be greater than the desire of sugar.
And I guess the only way to make all that happen is to just start. Start where I am and just start. One small choice at a time. Because all of those small choices add up one way or another.

But as a reminder a sweet reader pointed out, we need to be kind to ourselves. We need to love ourselves in the process. We need to be our biggest cheerleaders, staying postive and uplifting. Remember we are our worst critics. Yes, I am overweight, but I do love myself. I am happy. Just right now there's just more of me to love.
Would you say what you say to yourself to your best friend? Or even your least favorite person? No. Be kind. You are beautiful, just as you are. Just like I tell my daughters. Beauty is on the inside.

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