I want to sleep. I do. It's 12:30 and I should be sleeping. I have my alarm set for a few short 6 hours from now. When I'll wake and be exhausted. But my husband will already be gone to work at the church. I'll snooze the alarm too many times and in between the alarm sounding, my 5 year old will wake me several times requesting breakfast, my 3 year old will yell to me from the bathroom that she has gone poop and needs me to wipe her butt and my 3 month old will wake up crying to let me know his diaper is full and his belly is empty. And I'll wonder back to this moment and wonder why sleep failed me.
But in this moment I am listening to worship music, finally feeling the urge to write and share my random thoughts with you, the few of you who read my little blog - maybe you do when sleep fails you.
I was tossing and turning in my bed when my husband put his arm around me - probably bc I was driving him crazy with my huffs and puffs of not being able to sleep, but it's in moments like that, that I feel so safe and loved. I glanced over my shoulder at him and got butterflies. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I get to go to sleep with the man that I love more than anyone else and who loves me with all that he is. Plus, he's cute. And another bonus is, he doesn't snore.
This weekend we are celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary. In some ways I feel like we've been married 40 years and are just a couple of old souls in love because that's all we've ever known and wanted and other ways I feel so young and in puppy love! Whichever way it is, I know it's forever. I'm thankful that this man chose me as his "I do." I fall in love with him more and more each day. Plus, I truly believe love is a choice not just a feeling. I'll love you forever, babe. Happy Anniversary.
Well, over the years I've learned to save myself from frustrations and fights with my husband by not trying to talk with him once we've gone to bed. The man could fall asleep on a rock. His head hits the pillow and he's out. Me... Not so much. I've been laying in bed for almost 3 hours now waiting for sleep. Nothing. I woke my husband up asking if he wanted to fight - that's the only way I can keep him awake. Well obviously he laughed said no and right before he fell back to sleep. He suggested I go wake up our sleeping baby and rock with him. Because rocking a baby is the fastest way to relax and grow tired. I figured I'd probably regret that in the morning but since my son has been asleep since 4:30 this afternoon I was a little worried he wouldn't sleep the rest of the night. I made a bottle, grabbed him a jammie jacket (that's what Brayce calls sleepers or footie pajamas) and woke up my little guy. He gave his mommy a grin and a big ol stretch. I changed him and then he happily ate his bottle. And we rocked.
I thought about my Angel Baby Banner in Heaven and in all the ways he's blessed our lives. How his big sister remembers him daily, prays for him and talks about him. She keeps him close to all of our hearts and reminds me it's ok to talk abut him and to miss him.
Yesterday Kai and Braycee had Banner's bear and were telling Zeke about him and how he should give him a lot of hugs and kisses. Oh children truly are gifts from The Lord. I am so thankful for my 4 gifts. What an honor to be their momma.
Lately, Jonathan and I have been thinking about what kind of example we are setting for our kids and what we want them to learn. As much as we wish this wasn't true, kids truly do learn from what we do, not what we say.
As much as I want my children to eat carrots and blueberries - they're not going to. That is until it is a part of my daily life. My oldest daughter is like her momma - we have a big sweet tooth. I don't want Kai growing up struggling with her weight and health because I wasn't able to teach her and lead her to have a healthy eating habit.
We want to teach them how to make smart financial decisions and how to work for commission. We are implementing Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University into our lives and starting to attack our debt. And I have joined a 12 step program for my shopping addiction. We meet at the mall every Saturday.
But mostly, I want to be an example of a Godly woman and a mother who loves. I want my girls to learn how to be submissive wives and I want my marriage to be a great example that they aspire to have one day. I want my kids growing up loving God and learning forgiveness and grace. I am not perfect and neither are my kids, but the One that is perfect loves us as his own children.
I have so much to learn and so much to change so I don't screw up my kids. But the great thing is - we can start right where we are. And it's never too late to start or change.
I am grateful everyday for God's guidance and forgiveness. We will never deserve what Jesus did for us on the cross. But we don't have to deserve it. It is a gift.
And no matter how many other things I get wrong daily and all the things I need to change before my kids develop all my bad habits, the most important thing I want for my children is to know our God loves them, just the way they are.
What was the point of this post?! ... I don't know either. But hey, it's 2 am and when it's 2 am nothing makes sense. Good night!