Why do I do it? Or maybe a better question is, why don't I do it? I am talking about Blogging. I love to blog, or at least I used to love it. Now I am so inconsistent with it and I'm not really sure why. This morning I was looking through my old blog posts trying to find some information about a topic I knew I had written on in the past, but then I started browsing though all of the posts. I noticed in 2012 I was posting every 2 days and I really enjoyed reading them today, I felt like I was actually a "writer." Good with my words. But the funny thing is on each post there was an average of 3 readerrs. I'm guessing they were my husband, my dad, and my mother in law. But I kept writing. I kept sharing. Every couple days, I posted a new post. And my 3 readers would log on and read it. I'm not sure what I thought back then. Was I not concerned with the amount of my readers? Did I think I was a good writer? Or did I not care? I think I was sharing from my heart and having fun with it. I don't think I was letting my insecurity of opening up and sharing scare me away from posting. I didn't feel pressure to be good at blogging. I just wrote. And now I have a whole timeline of fun things over the past few years of my daughters growing and my thoughts of being a mom, wife, and woman. So what happened? I noticed a decline in posts starting around 2013. Just about the time my readers were increasing - from 3 to about 75-100. I stopped posting every couple days and was only posting about once a month. I lost my nitch for writing. And then I was only posting about once every couple months and my readers were around 200. Was I scared to share in front of 200 people? I know I couldn't stand up in front of a crowd and talk in person. So was that it? Did I feel the pressure to be successful and deliver a "viral" worthy blog post? I know it wasn't that I didn't have time. In 2012, I had a 3 year old and a 1 year old and was posting weekly. If I think about what was going on in my life around that time frame I think I started caring more what people thought of me and let my insecurities sky rocket. I wanted people to like me. I compared myself to others and to other bloggers. My little blog wasn't good enough all of a sudden. I wasn't good enough. So I quit.
I still feel like I have lost my touch with delivering my words, but I am excited to get back to it. To stop looking at the amount of my readers to determine my success. I think it was easier when it was just my husband and parents reading it, but yet I would also get discouraged that only 15 people read a post about my girls' birthday party so I shouldn't blog those things. No, no, no. Those are the things I enjoy looking back on. Those are the posts I want my kids to see when they're teenagers. I am not good at keeping a baby book up to date - poor Zeke doesn't even have one. But if I can keep my blog up to date then they will really be able to take a look at how life was when they were little ones. They'll know their momma's thoughts. They'll have built in memories! I want to post about our every day life. I want to post about my feelings and my heart. I want to stop worrrying about what people will think about me if I share an opinion or a struggle. I want to blog for my family, I want to blog to bring glory to God in whatever way I can. So if that means there are 5 readers or 500, I don't want that to matter. I wish I could turn off that feature of the blog that counts for me. Sometimes we get so caught up with #s that that's all we care about. I will not let the #s of this blog determine my success.
I don't do this for money or fame. I do this as a hobby. A way for this mommy to share her thoughts, feelings, struggles, and stories. An outlet.
I am not a best-selling author. I have had no training in writing. I will make grammatical errors, and I won't use big words that I obviously just had to steal from a thesaurus. But what I will do is always be honest. I will always be real. I will tell the stories that I want to remember. I do care about you my readers, but I can't let the opinion of others determine the direction of my life. God's opinion of me is what matters.
And so I am going to blog. And it will probably be raw and not well groomed. But I am a mom of 3. I don't always have the time to proofread it 3 times to make sure every sentence makes sense or that it flowed just right. This is not for a book. This is the internet. And this is real life. My life.