If you would have asked my husband or I a year ago about growing our family we would've said, "NO WAY we are finished." We had a lot of "reasons" why we thought we were done having children. My main reasons were all of the logistics - money and house space - thinking we didn't have enough of either. Jonathan liked how a family of 4 ran. We are close knit and love to be able to pick up and go easily.
Last summer, my heart started changing. No, I don't think that is the right way to say that. I think my heart always wanted more kids but my brain said it wasn't financially responsible. So last summer, I started mentioning to Jonathan about wanting to have a bigger family. The weekend of July 4th we were out on a walk and I said, "So, I've been thinking about (baby) #3." His response, "Well, we'd have to get a bigger car." Then he laughed and added, "Let's see about 3, then maybe 4, then maybe 5 and 6. Let's do it. I want to make a baby with you."
I remember thinking, "I am anxious, yet patient. I am nervous, yet excited."
And here it is 10 months later and I am feeling the exact same way.
When Jonathan decided he was ready to have baby #1 (Kairi) - I had been ready for months before he was (is that how it usually is for women?), and we got pregnant the first try. Then when Kairi was 18 months old we thought it was time for baby #2 (Brayce). Then we thought the next day, oh wait we should wait a little while longer. Nope, ready or not! Braycee was a go! So last summer when we talked about adding #3, I was hopeful and honestly half expected for it to be just as quick. But month after month passed without becoming pregnant. Honestly, I couldn't help but to think that I was no longer able to get pregnant, or that we would never get to have another baby. In November, we found out we were pregnant! You can read about that HERE. I was so excited and then thought, "Why was I so worried?! God's timing is perfect." In comparison to statistics of other women, I know that didn't take too long to get pregnant - but it felt like torture each month for me having to wait.
I was pregnant and we started planning for baby #3 (Banner) and were so excited. One of the first steps we took was to buy a bigger car. We said goodbye to our Jeep Liberty and purchased a Dodge Journey to make room for that 3rd carseat. We talked about baby names and told all of our family and friends. I was looking forward to my first doctor's appointment on Dec. 18th, just 5 weeks after finding out. I tweeted a few days before that saying, "I can't wait to hear my baby's heartbeat and fall in love all over again." Then sadly, instead of hearing my baby's heartbeat we were given an ultrasound that showed no activity. My baby had stopped growing a few weeks before. You can read all about our heartbreak HERE.
I wasn't sure the proper time to wait until we should try to conceive again. The doctors gave me a timeframe physically, but emotionally and spiritually I wasn't sure when I would be ready, or if I ever would be. We had to say Goodbye to our baby #3, Banner. He is my baby that will forever be in Heaven with our Heavenly Father. We tried (and continue to do so) to give it to God: our fears, doubts, hopes, desires, and plans about expanding our family. We have let go, to let God.
This next part I haven't really talked about to many people and so it's a little scary for me to confess.
Here it is May, almost 5 months after our miscarriage. The first couple months we weren't trying, but my heart longs for another baby. We are trying to conceive. Now don't get me wrong, I am beyond blessed with the 2 I have. And if God decides that is all for us, I will have more than enough. But in my real raw emotions (which is what I try to share with you through my blog) - it is not enough. It is, but it isn't. I want more. I desire more. I love being a mother. I want a couch full of kids!
Each month is hard to find out that it is not God's timing for us to be pregnant. The first few months were very hard to see ... TMI warning: my period. I would break down and the pain and hurt of losing our Banner would hit me all over again. TMI warning again: The site of the blood was too much to handle. It takes me back to the doctor's office on Dec 18th at 3pm where it happened and wouldn't stop. Ugh... It makes me want to cry, scream, and throw something all at the same time.
Prayer has been one of my best friends during this time. My husband and I have been praying constantly. And I have a friend that has been so faithful in praying for me during this time and I will be forever grateful for her. God's comfort and peace has finally come over me and eventhough I don't have understanding - his peace surprasses all understanding. I truly can say that I am ok with God's timing - on one condition - that it WILL happen eventually. Isn't that horrible?! I'm not meaning to give God an ultimatum. I just feel like if I could just KNOW that it WILL happen at some point, then I can be ok with whenever it is.
We are so quick to forget God's blessings and unlimited knowledge. He does want the best in our lives. In Jeremiah 29:11-13 The Lord says: "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me, I will be found by you," says The Lord.
So here it is another month of waiting and wanting. Trying to be patient.
My husband's advice: "Let's be hopeful and love life and then if it is we will be ecstatic and love life, and if not we will be broken hearted and love life."
Sharing so much is painful and slightly embarrassing. I'm not sure why it is so hard for me to admit that we are trying to conceive. It is just such a private subject, that it can be awkward to talk about to anyone other than close friends & family for fear of not knowing what questions you will be asked or advice you will be given. And I think partly because I feel selfish wanting more kids when I have 2 perfectly healthy wonderful children already, which I know is so much more then some people have. But I blog (with encouragement from my husband and a couple friends) to hopefully let someone who is going through this know that they aren't alone or at least that there is someone else who understands. And also in hopes of knowing I'm not alone.
I hope to relate with you through my blog posts. To share my life, to let God touch others through me, my story, and my experiences. He's what it's all about. My blog is not a resource to be a creeper into my life or just to be nosey about what my family is all about. But it is a place for me to share who God is in my life and what He can be in your life. Thank you for reading. And I would like to take this opportunity to ask you to say a prayer for my family as we seek God and ask Him to bless our heart's desire.