I am living proof that people can change and do change... with the saving grace of Jesus Christ.
I would like to say I am (almost) nothing like the person I was as a teenager - many of us aren't, hopefully we have grown up a bit. Sure, I wasn't all bad and had lots of good qualities, too. But some of the main words I would use to describe myself in high school/college are: mean, ungrateful, rude, blunt, fat, 'cool', better than, selfish, looking for love in all the wrong places, and party girl... and another word that isn't appropriate to say would describe me a lot of the times.
A typical teenager you say? Well, I don't believe it has to be that way. Being a rude, selfish person and being mean and hateful to others is not how we should expect our kids to act or a phase that they will grow out of.
I don't believe in the saying "no regrets". I have regrets. One of the main ones is the way I acted in high school. I wish I could go back and change and be nice, loving, and Christ-like to the people there, even if that meant I was "uncool" and didn't fit in.
So that brings me here. The past 8 years I've always wanted to go back and say "I'M SORRY" to every single person that I ever hurt. I can't do that, but in this blog post I want to do the best I can. I will not list specific names, but am thinking some. I truly am sorry. I am sorry for not being a loving, caring person. I want to scream how I have changed. I am not the same person I was. But I don't want to say these things because of a prideful view of myself, but in a humble way that only God can take credit for. He changed my life. He has been working on my heart and character for years. I am finally becoming the person He wants me to be. I would describe myself now as: caring, considerate, grateful, nice, and other words that would just look like I was boasting because there are lots of not so good qualities I possess. I AM NOT PERFECT!!! But in Christ I am forgiven.
This is going to be hard... but here I go.
So to the people I have ever hurt in my life: DO YOU FORGIVE ME?
I am sorry to the girls in my high school that I was mean to. The ones a year older than me that I "hated" and would fight with. For the ugly things I said to or about people in my high school that I thought I was better than. I am not better than you and never was. Please forgive me.
I am sorry to the teachers, coaches, and youth pastors that I did not respect. God gave you authority in my life at that time and I did not respect you. I always took pride in my senior year "teacher's pest" award. That is not something to be proud of. Please forgive me.
I am sorry to my ex-boyfriends and if they are married now, their wives. I am sorry the way I treated you and the ways that I allowed you to treat me. I am sorry for not being pure. I wish I could change some of these things the most. Please forgive me.
I am sorry to my friends. For being rude, gossiping, hurtful and for ever leading you into sin. I am sorry for leaving you out or purposely being mean. I am sorry for some I abandoned while searching out a more party lifestyle. I am so glad that God has blessed me with your friendships and that I can honestly say that my best friends are my friends that I met in elementary school. Please forgive me.
I am sorry to my parents. My list could go on and on of how I could apologize and the things I did wrong as a teenager. I disrespected and rebelled against your rules. And I did things that made you worry and stay up all night. Please forgive me.
I am sorry to my husband. I am sorry that I was not who God wanted me to be. That I was not pure and wait for you. That I did my best to lead you to sin. I will always be grateful for you loving me and forgiving me when I met you. Please forgive me.
I am sorry to Me. I am sorry I did not love you or take care of you. I am sorry for all of the mean things I have said to you and have believed about myself. I am sorry for expecting perfection. Please forgive me.
I am sorry to my Lord, Jesus Christ. I am sorry for turning away from your teaching. For filling my heart with other idols and with desires that are not of You. For being selfish and not loving others in a way that you have loved me. I am sorry for running away from you to do whatever I please. Please forgive me.
I am not done hurting people or being mean. I am not done sinning. I am not done having to say, "I'M SORRY!" I am not perfect. But I long to be Christ-like, loving others as Jesus did. To think less of myself and more of others. I surprise myself at times when I look in the mirror. If you would've told me what my life would be like at almost 30 when I was a teenager, I would have laughed in your face. A stay at home mother, pastor's wife, Jesus freak. HA! I would've asked, "What are you smoking?!"
Maybe this is why God keeps some things hidden from us until we are ready to know. I would have messed up that plan, I tried in fact. God chased after my heart and died for me while I was a sinner and I spit on his face and denied him.
I used to journal. My journal from that time in my life was full of ugly, dark things. And the only reason I keep it is so I will NEVER forget how Jesus Christ saved me and how his love CHANGED me.
So if you knew the KC from my past, I apologize for any meanness or hurt I brought to you. I want you to know that I have changed. But not to make my reputation better, but to shout the name of CHRIST.
I now try my best to live a life that brings GLORY TO GOD in all things.