I'm not really sure where to begin or how to move on from this. And to be quite honest, I'm not ready to do either right now. But a friend encouraged me tonight. I told her I missed blogging and she told me that I was an amazing woman and anything that brings me sparks of joy to my heart I definitely need right now.
So, I am going to try.
4 days ago, we lost our baby...
Meet our baby, Banner David.
We will LOVE you forever!!!
At 9 weeks pregnant, I was told my baby did not make it.
My baby was taken from me and there was nothing I could do about it.
I never heard his heartbeat and this is the only picture I will ever have of him.
Oh how I will cherish this picture for the rest of my life. (Thank you, husband.)
Tuesday was the hardest day of our lives.
Wednesday Jonathan, the girls, and I went to Tulsa. We told the girls that Banner was no longer in mommy's tummy but is now in Heaven with Jesus.
We visited Build-A-Bear where we picked out "Banner's Bear" and put 4 hearts full of love and kisses into him. Our bear is a magical bear. We can give him hugs, kisses, and tell him stories and our bear gives all of our messages to "the other Banner that lives where Jesus lives" (as Kairi says).
I figure if an ELF can visit Santa Claus at the North Pole every night, then our bear can visit our baby in Heaven to send him all of our loves. Kai asked how he gets there - she was very satisfied with my answer: A cloud floats down and gets him and takes him up to Heaven after we fall asleep every night and then Banner squeezes him and sends him back down for us the next day.
This bear has gotten us through this week. Lots of hugs and tears for this little guy.
This has been a tough week to say the least. I was in a very dark place for the first few days. I wasn't sure how I would ever find my way out. But I knew there were 2 very important little ladies needing their mommy to get stronger.
They give me a reason to smile!
A couple songs have really spoken to me and music can be a very healing thing.
I have listened to North Point's (live) worship cd ALL week and I especially have liked "When the Waters Rise" by Casey Darnell.
A friend told me about a song that spoke to her when she experienced this loss in her life and wow, this is such a sad, comforting, full of hope song. Glory Baby by Watermark. (Find it on YouTube)
I have gotten through this week because of my husband. He has not left my side. We have leaned on each other- to be each other's strength. The love and respect I have for my husband is immeasurable.
I have gotten through this week because of my faith. There is HOPE with Jesus. Someday I will see my baby, Banner in Heaven. Right now he is worshipping our Father and someday we will all be together singing praises. My baby will only know his eternal home.
I have gotten through this week because of the WORD. A few scriptures I have clung to:
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 and Psalms 34:18
I have gotten through this week because of worship music.
I have gotten through this week because of my beautiful daughters. They give me a reason to smile every day. The snuggles and prayers are so sweet. Kairi used to pray daily for "Banner in mommy's tummy" but she has changed her daily prayer to include, "Banner that lives where Jesus lives".
I have gotten through this week because of my family and friends lifting my husband and me up in prayer and checking in through text messages with me daily. I will forever be grateful for each of you.
So how do I move on? I don't. I do have to learn to keep going. I will never forget my baby in Heaven. I will find my joy again. This will never be easier, but I will learn how to manage it. I hope to leave the unbearable pain behind and hold on to the blessing that Banner is in my life.
Thank you to each of you for your kind words, for your prayers, and for sharing your experience with me through FB messages, emails, and text messages.
Continued prayers are very much welcomed.
Our GOD IS GOOD all the time.