Last night my husband and I were in our usual hang out spot - our room. After we put the girls to bed we enjoy a couple hours of Netflix (currently One Tree Hill) and maybe some video games too. I've always been against putting a tv in our bedroom, but it is one of my favorite things we did.
Well last night we were hanging out and having a good relaxed yet fun time. And one second we were laughing and teasing each other to the next not talking and were angry at each other. One little miscommunication of me taking something the wrong way and I was ready to kick him to the couch for the night and he wanted to throw a magazine against the wall.
It's crazy how it can happen that fast and without warning. Luckily, Jonathan and I have really learned how to fight with each other. I think this is one thing any couple should lead to do. Striving to never fight is not only close to impossible it is not beneficial to your relationship. One way we have learned to fight together is to talk to each other abut fighting when we are NOT in the middle of an argument. Tell each other what you need, feel, and want. Tell them what it means when you act one way or do something during a fight. Talk about what works and what doesn't. Figure out what is hurtful and stop doing it. Learn to fight in a Godly loving manner - yes, I think that is possible.
I used to be a door slammer and Jonathan was a thrower. (SN: It is NEVER ok to hit.) We have worked together to fight well together. We have grown and adapted our fighting mechanisms. Now I clam up and would rather not say a word and Jonathan wants to talk it out and keep talking and talking and talking until it is all resolved. He never understood or supported my "clamming" until I told him WHY I do this and what all goes through my head and so we have done the married thing = compromised :) and I tell him I need 5 minutes of silence and then I promise to talk it out.
So back to last night. We had our 5... Or 10 minutes of silence and then began to share our sides of what had just happened. Explained why we did what we did and the intentions of doing it. I said why it hurt and why I got upset. Then we kept talking and talking and really had a breakthrough marriage moment!!! (I know I am being vague on the topic of the fight. I use this blog to share, but I am always conscious of how much to share.)
We realized that we both have some insecurities that we need to work on and get past. And we all have those things we do a certain way just because that's the way they've always be done and we have no idea why. Well there are things in marriage (& life) that need evaluated. Are things working? Could they be better? Why do we act like this? Why do I believe this way? Do I still feel the same way about this that I did last year? Am I taking steps to improve? Have I communicated with my spouse?
If you ask Jonathan or I what the key to our marriage is (other than God) we would say COMMUNICATION. Jonathan taught me how to fight. I would try to push him away and I would slam a door or try to leave and he wouldn't let me. We would stay with each other until we could talk. We talk about everything and I mean everything. We do not go to bed angry at each other. During our fights we do our best to get to the root of the issue and work for resolution. We do not let things build up until we resent each other and we do our best to not point fingers at each other, especially the middle one - just kidding.
I have to bite my tongue because my first reaction is to want to hurt him. And I know my husband better then anyone does and I know what hurts him. I know how to make him cry and break his heart. But I can not and will not take advantage of knowing him inside and out to hurt the man I love. I have been trusted to be his wife and I take that seriously. I will protect my man and will do everything I can to hold his heart in mine.
We really try not to say hurtful words to each other. Words are powerful. They can build up or tear down.
So last night even though at one point I was laying there ready to kick him out of the bed to the couch - I still have to say that was one of the best fights we've had. I wouldn't take back the fight. We guarded each others hearts during it... It's not about keeping things from each other to protect. It's learning how to say what needs to be said and not saying the rest, the hurtful mean stuff.
Fight in love, not out of anger & hatred. But the result was marriage changing. We grew and learned about each other. I know God helped us turn something ugly into something beautiful. My love and respect grew by leaps and bounds today and I hope the same is true for him.
So I might be a weirdo, but I like fighting with my husband.
I would love to pray for you and your marriage. For the marriages that seem so far gone that there couldn't be any hope. To those of you who can't even remember ever saying a nice word to one another. For those of you that have been hurt, emotionally and physically. For those of you who are happy and trying your best. I know marriage isn't easy, and I am not an expert. All we can do is love God and love each other.
So to wrap things up I'll give you the advice I was given on my wedding day by a very wise man, "When you fight, fight naked."